Life after the trail has been both easier and harder than I imagined. Some things I was expecting but other feelings caught me by surprise. I organized my "post-hike" thoughts into two sections, one written on the plane home, just after finishing, and the other written 10 days later.
3 days after finishing
Reaching the Canadian border was accompanied by many emotions. I feel like I should have something profound or novel to say but so far no epiphanic ideas have reached me. Before I left I imagined all of the things I would be glad to come home to. My own warm soft bed, iced water, a shower. But it is just as cozy to sleep on the ground, ice hurts my teeth, and I've grown to love rinsing off in cold streams and lakes. I imagined that I would be so relieved to return to "normal life" for all of the comforts it entails but I am mostly filled with a sense of longing and guilt. Guilt for using so much water and toilet paper to flush the toilet, guilt for buying a meal that costs more than 3 days worth of trail food, guilt for having the privilege to shower everyday, and most of all longing to live a simplistic, raw, physically challenging, nomadic lifestyle. I enjoyed a dr. Pepper today and it meant so little, was so easy to obtain. I didn't chance upon it in a trail magic cooler or walk 100 miles at a 3 mph pace to reach a remote rural store before it closed.
For us the journey continues. We don't need to take time off from hiking and we did not feel a sense of closure at the northern terminus. The adventure was never about making it to Canada, but enjoying every day as it came. Perhaps this is why the border seemed so anti climactic to me. I have read journals, watched videos, and heard stories in which thru hikers cry, hug, celebrate, and sing at the border because their dream was finally accomplished. Our dream was accomplished every single day so the monument was just the end of another successful day. The only difference being that it was the last. When looked at this way, it is easier to see how bittersweet an ending it was.
2 weeks after finishing
The first few days after I got home were much harder than I imagined. I found myself missing the trail already and looking ahead to the next hike. I was expecting to miss the trail and the life I lived for the past 5 months. I was expecting to miss the freedom, the scenery, and the constant sense of awe and peace. However, there was one thing that I was not expecting that manifested itself upon my return. When I looked back to events that happened on the trail, it really felt like it had been 5 months. Conversely, if I thought back to the days just before I left, I felt like I had only been gone a week. Parts of society, like crowds, technology, and the fast paced, hectic nature left me uneasy, but everything at home seemed familiar: driving up to my house, seeing my family and dog, sleeping in my bed, grabbing a meal out of the fridge. Nothing at home was foreign, and for some reason that was hard to wrap my mind around. Because everything at home felt so normal, it almost felt like the hike had all just been a dream, like it might not have ever happened at all. I am not sure if I expected to feel happy to return to a life in society or if I expected to feel reluctant, but I definitely expected it to feel drastically different from life on the trail.
The past week has been much easier. I am happy to have the time to rest when I want to and love being able to talk to my family every day. I still miss the trail and outdoors just as much, but the scope of what we accomplished has become more real each day. I no longer wake up terrified that it never happened and I realized that life is full of adventures; this was certainly not the last. Regardless, I still find myself excited at experiencing unfamiliarity and clinging to anything that reminds me that I was actually hiking for 5 months: the lingering dirt on my toes, heels, and hair, the foot pain that hinders movement for the first hour of every day, the weight loss, the pictures and videos. Looking at pictures and videos and reading my journal has allowed me to relive the journey and realize what an irreplaceable and humbling adventure it was.
Again, thank you all for following along. If you have dreams of hiking the PCT or embarking on another adventure, all I can say is do it! Committing is the hardest part.
-Jenna (Totem)
-Be Free
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